How to Make Adult Friends: The Art of Small Talk

Hey Friend!

A couple weeks ago I wrote a post about making friends as an adult, which is pretty challenging. I also have recently moved to a small rural town where I know nobody, but I want to make good friends and find my community. In the post I wrote about making friends, I talked about the three stages to making friends. 

1. Connecting with others
2. Follow up
3. Deepen the connection.

I am currently mostly in the first stage, which is connecting with others, or at least finding the people to connect with. But, this past weekend I had the opportunity to follow up with one of those connections. And these experiences got me thinking about something that usually gets a bad rap, but is so important in these first two stages of building friendships, the art of small talk. 

If you are anything like me, you might have also experienced social situations where you felt tongue-tied and don't know what to say or how to start a conversation (or keep it going). Maybe you've also experienced the awkward silence that follows after you've run out of things to say. In order to build friendships, you have to move past the awkward beginnings. 

I truly believe that small talk is an important art to help us move past those awkward beginnings. Not only that, but if you are able to learn the art of small talk, the early conversations don't have to be awkward at all.

Misconceptions About Small Talk

Like I said, small talk gets a bad rap. I can't tell you how many times I've heard people say that they are "bad at small talk" or they "don't know what to say" or they "don't enjoy small talk."

I think one of the biggest misconceptions about small talk is that it is superficial or pointless. It seems like it is a common belief that small talk is shallow. But in reality, small talk serves as a gateway to deeper conversations. It allows people to explore interests and simple facts about each others lives. It is the foundation to learning about what you have in common with the other person. It also gives you more on an idea about their character, personality, and tone. It is also a great way to build rapport, establish trust, and foster a sense of connection between people. 

For example, this past weekend I went to a local swimming pool with my son. We were hanging out by the stairs at the shallow end when another mom came in with her son. 

"Your son is a really good swimmer."

"Thanks! He really loves the water."

"How old is he?"

"He just turned 3 a month ago. What about your son?"

"He just turned 2 a couple weeks ago."

"This is a really fun pool for toddlers to come to. Have you been here before?"

"Yes, I've come a couple times before, what about you?"

"This is our first time, but we will definitely be back!"

"Are you from this town?"

"Yes! We actually just moved here. what about you?"

"Oh really, where did you move from and what brought you here? We have been here for the last 12 years. We love it."

You see how the small talk led the conversation deeper and deeper? While it started off with a complement and an easy question, it continued into deeper get to know you questions. Through our conversation, we were able to build a sense of connection through our motherhood experiences, learn simple facts about each other like what brought us to this town, and explore each other's interests. 

Even though this conversation ended at the pool, other conversations might have continued to go deeper where we might share our, goals, passions, more personal experiences, shared interests, and even philosophical ideas. Even though these starting points may seem unimportant, they often pave the way for building meaningful friendships.

Another misconception about small talk is that it's mostly just talking about the weather. And while that is partly true, you can share with the other person that it is a beautiful day, or that the rain sucks, it is also not the full picture. For example, I always have my son with me, so the small talk I do with others is usually related to my son and motherhood. Some small talk I have engaged in is topics like "how old is he?" "Does he/will he go to preschool?" "What does he like doing" "Have you been ____ with him yet?" 

Other times people ask about me and where we are from like "When did you move here?" "What caused you to move here?" "Where does your husband work?" "What do you think about this area?"

Are you seeing a theme yet? Small talk is so much more than just talking about the weather. It really is asking open ended questions to get to know the other person while also sharing details about your own life.

The final misconception about small talk is that it is boring. This probably goes back to the misconception that you only talk about the weather. I would push back and say it isn't boring, but it can be uncomfortable. As someone who loves deep conversations and wants to know your life story, I know small talk can seem bland. But as I mentioned above, it is where trust is built. The deep conversations can't happen without a level of vulnerability and that can't happen until trust is established.

But if you genuinely become curious about the other person, and ask the open ended questions, and they also want to engage in conversation, you might be surprised by how fun small talk can actually be.

Tips for Engaging in Small Talk

Pay Attention to Your Body Language.

When you're chatting with someone, maintain eye contact, nod, and smile to show you're engaged. Your body language can convey interest and friendliness, even if you're feeling a bit nervous. Non-verbal communication actually plays a significant role in small talk. Open body language, such as smiling,  leaning slightly forward and eye contact, shows that you are approachable and interested. 

Practice Active Listening

Active listening is a crucial part of small talk. Using the open body language and also providing verbal affirmations like "oh wow" or "I get that" or "that sounds really interesting." This not only makes the other person feel heard but also encourages them to share more. The key is to be genuine and curious which brings be to my next tip.

Be Curious

When you are engaging in small talk, you have to be curious and show a genuine interest in the other person's experiences and thoughts. Be curious about who the other person is, what their interests and goals and passions are, about their family and job. Being curious is what takes the conversation from superficial to meaningful.

Ask Open Ended questions

If you are curious about the other person than the next step is to engage in open ended questions which invite the other person to share more about themselves. These questions encourage more detailed responses from the other person and give opportunity for the conversation to go deeper. 

Be Intentional 

A little backstory, when I worked as a mental health counselor, I began sessions with small talk to ease into our conversation. By being intentional with your questions and genuinely listening to the other person, you can see from their perspective and start to know them as a person. 

Have a Few Go-To Topics

As I said earlier, I have a built in conversation topic with always having my son with me. Having a few reliable topics in your back pocket can help you steer the conversation if it starts to lag. Topics like travel, food, hobbies, and entertainment are usually safe bets that can keep the conversation flowing. Other topics that relate to your life like motherhood, a local event, work, family are also great places to start.

Share Juicy Tidbits and Personal Stories

When someone asked "how are you," avoid one-word answers, and instead share a snippet of your life that invites further conversation. Also, sharing personal stories can help others feel more comfortable sharing their own personal stories. 

Follow Up

When you ask someone a question, or see them on another occasion, follow up with something they said in the past conversation with another open ended question. For example if they talked about going hiking follow up by asking their favorite hiking trail. If they tell you about getting ready to go on vacation, next time you see them, ask them about that vacation.

Find Common Ground

When you're trying to connect with someone, it's helpful to find common interests or experiences that you both share. This could be anything from enjoying the same TV show to having a shared hobby, to being a mom to a toddler. Establishing common ground can help make your conversations with others flow more naturally.

Manage Awkward Silences

Don't worry if there's a pause in the conversation, it happens to everyone! Sometimes, a bit of silence gives the other person the chance to gather their thoughts and come up with something to say or ask. If the silence lasts a bit too long, that's ok too. You can always revisit an earlier part of the conversation you were curious about or switch to a new topic to keep the conversation going.

Know When to Transition

When a conversation naturally steers towards a deeper topic, be prepared to follow it. If the other person starts to share something more personal or significant, show empathy and interest and let the conversation flow naturally. For example, if someone mentions they're going through something tough, you could say, "That sounds really challenging. How are you coping with it?"

Know When to Exit

Gracefully ending a conversation is just as important as starting one. Knowing when and how to wrap up a discussion shows respect for the other person's time and helps end it on a positive note. 

To know when to exit, first you must look for natural pauses. Pay attention to natural lulls in the conversation, which can serve as cues that it's time to wrap things up.

Second, express gratitude by expressing your appreciation for the conversation. This leaves the other person feeling valued.

Third, suggest a future hang out (this is the follow up step in how to make friends as an adult). If appropriate, suggest continuing the conversation, or meeting up, or hanging out another time. This shows your genuine interest in continuing the relationship.

Small talk is an art that can be mastered with practice. But it takes practice! It takes embracing the awkward and just going for it. It takes changing your mindset to view small talk as an important tool instead of a boring, meaningless interaction. By being curious, asking open ended questions, and showing genuine interest, you can embrace the art of small talk and have meaningful connections with others.

As always, thanks for reading!