Seven Years of Infertility: My Infertility Story

 

Hi Friend!

This October marks the 7th year of us trying to conceive and dealing with infertility. Seven years ago my husband and I took this picture of me holding a little pumpkin and we joked about how this would be such a funny pregnancy announcement. I mean, can't you imagine the writing "baby Turner coming 2020" on it? I thought it would be so cute!

If only we knew what was to come!

For the next few years, I couldn't even look at this picture because it filled me with so much grief and despair. It was like all that excitement and joy for our future that I was feeling in the moment the picture was taken was crushed! 

It's taken a lot of accepting the things I can't control to let me look at that picture again.

At this point, I truly feel like I've accepted that infertility is just a part of our story. It has taken many years to get to this point. And I still have days where I feel such soul crushing grief. 

I remember looking at this picture last year and my heart felt so broken and it felt like there was such a weight on my chest and I just couldn't catch my breath. It physically hurt to even breathe, and I didn't even really realize how much it had been weighing on me until I started having dreams about my grief over infertility.

Isn't that the worst, when you can't even find peace in your sleep, the grief is there with you day and night?!

This year I am doing better. Maybe it is because we moved and there is so much sunshine here compared to where we used to live. Maybe it's because we actually got plugged into a church and there are others who have gone through infertility or are going through it and it just feels less lonely now. Maybe it's because I got off social media and don't see all the baby announcements. Maybe it's because I am occupied with dog sitting and we are saving up to do IVF and I am feeling hopeful for the future for the first time in a while.

Gosh, seven years is a long time. I grieve for my younger self, because she had no idea what she would experience. 

Infertility can feel incredibly lonely. And It can be so hard to share about the struggles of infertility openly with others.

If you are reading this and are going through infertility, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. You are not a failure. You did not cause this. It's ok to feel overwhelmed. It's ok to be sad and grieve. It's ok to be at peace. 

As always, thanks for reading!